Introducing: The Paleo Diet for Crackers™

It has been brought to our attention that milk is good for you. Thus, our team would like to introduce an updated version of paleo called The Paleo Diet for Crackers™. We believe the integration of recent evidence that dairy is good for you will lead to marked improvements in health for all adherents.

More good news: Switching to The Paleo Diet for Crackers™ will be an easy transition for those of you who are already familiar with The Paleo Diet™. The prescription is as follows: eat a standard paleo diet, but add milk and other dairy products at your leisure (because they are good for you).

We have two graphics below, the first is our estimation of the degree of evolution that has occurred in the species Homo sapiens sapiens since the introduction of milk and other dairy products into the adult human diet. The lighter areas are those in which the species has evolved more fully. The darker areas represent a more primitive state of hominin evolution. The second graphic is a representation of our marketing department’s goal for saturation of The Paleo Diet for Crackers™.

Please disregard the first graphic. It was mistakenly inserted by The Paleo Diet for Crackers™ graphics department. The entire [former] graphics department has been summarily fired, and we are working on getting the graphic removed. We can assure you that the first graphic is 100% irrelevant and the second graphic is sure to be accurate.


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  1. Victoria 5 years ago

    I'll be honest- kind of surprised by mongolia. I thought mare's milk was traditional mongolian fair… maybe they ferment it.

    When will you be launching your line of full fat dairy products from cloned wooly mammoths? I can't wait! (And how does one milk a wooly mammoth?)

    • Carson 5 years ago

      Seriously, does anyone know where to source raw wooly mammoth dairy? This ultra-pasturized shit is full of antibiotics and RBST…

      • David Csonka 5 years ago

        The USDA would like to inform you that there is no detectable difference between diary from animals treated with rBST and those not treated with it.

      • Victoria 5 years ago

        Is rBST even useful in mammoths? I think they're working on a new, rMST to increase production.

        Alas- I'm pretty sure that due to restrictive federal and state laws you can't legally purchase raw wooly mammoth dairy, but I've heard some rumors about some Mastodon shares starting up around the country… keep your fingers crossed one sets up shop near you!

        • Carson 5 years ago

          Monsanto scientists are toiling away at this as we speak… Mainly because Monsanto has patented the Wooly Mammoth™.

    • @melissamcewen 5 years ago

      this is quite funny. Once I was at a food conference where a speaker insisted including dairy products in school lunches is "racist."

      Nevermind that most dairying cultures ferment the dairy in a way that destroys most lactose. And even most lactose intolerant individuals can consume some degree of unfermented dairy depending on their gut conditions.

      I am part Jewish and do not possess the gene for lactase persistance, but consume some dairy.

  2. stabby 5 years ago

    Whatever it is about conventional pasteurized dairy, if definitely doesn't belong in my body. I'm a glow-in-the-dark whitey without lactose intolerance but still don't we well with it. I mean I thought I was doing all right until it cut it out but it turned out to be bogging me down. But most people do comment on raw, pasture-farmed dairy as being fine even if their roots are firmly out of cracker-zone. Dairy is indeed good for you, in some cases. Non-lactose containing dairy? Probably even better.

  3. igel 4 years ago

    japan is "out"… and yet government requires milk to be in school lunches (under the auspices of dairy lobby)…
    it also feeds kids bread – but that's another story which started after ww2 when american wheat producers needed new markets

  4. pjnor 4 years ago

    It isn't milk if it isn't RAW. I have done well drinking raw milk when in a heavy strength training mode. Also crafted and artisian cheeses, butter and real yogurt is not a bad thing either. Doing diary doesn't mean you are drinking milk from a conventent store.

  5. ravi 4 years ago

    screw the golf tip – i want a monthly recipe.

  6. Sam 4 years ago

    I can do all dairy except for milk itself. I thought I was fine until I went dairy free for a month and tried to add milk back in – not good. And this is fresh raw milk. So it's yoghurt and kefir and cheese for me.

  7. Linnéa 4 years ago

    This is interesting, I am from Sweden, where everyone drinks milk about 24/7 and used to live in china… where no one drinks milk bc they were all allergic. Now I live in North America and I am so surprised ppl give their kids here milk with flavor?!

  8. gleapman 4 years ago

    The reason milk was bad for the health of Paleo man, and therefore not a part of his diet, had nothing to do with actually drinking the milk. The unhealthy part, as Victoria alluded to, was trying to milk the woolly mammoth.

  9. Dana 4 years ago

    Yeah, funny thing about that–if the milk's raw, it starts fermenting pretty much on its own. The milk that is used elsewhere in the world is not like the cooked milk we get here.

    You're typing on dead dinosaurs to converse over domesticated lightning. Not Paleo either.

    • James Carpenter 4 years ago

      Touche Dana! But we're not putting domesticated lightning in our bodies! or….are we? I think I have a contact high….

  10. Author
    Andrew 5 years ago

    You're about 3 steps behind the joke.

  11. @the_warning 5 years ago

    And about 5 steps from good taste.

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